After the Battle
by jeez12
Summary: Alanna's life after she the final battle in sotl
1. Chapter 1

It was many hours before they were able to return to Myles' house. Myles himself had to stay the night in palace infirmary. Duke Baird had been forced to spread his Gift among the many wounded and hadn't been able to entirely heal the old knight. By the time Alanna got to see him, most of his magic had been spent. He could do nothing for her hands, whose scars had reopened during the battle with Roger. An assistant wrapped them up in fine gauze and sent her home, allowing her so see a most anxious Myles before her departure in order to assure him of her health.

Now Thayet, Buri, George, Rispah, Eleni, Coram, and Alanna stood in the sitting room of Myles' great house. All but Alanna sunk into the comfortable seats, exhausted from the day's events and sick at heart from the loss of Liam Ironarm and the many others who had perished trying to save Jonathon.

Alanna, however, walked to the window and stared out into nothingness. She couldn't think, couldn't feel. She was numb to the rest of the world. Tears welled in her eyes and rolled down her cheeks when she tried to blink them away. Roger had taken so much from her. It wasn't enough to say that her heart was broken: it was shattered, trampled into shards that felt like they were piercing her lungs with every breath. Everything hurt; every breath took all of the strength she had left. Alanna did not know how she was to survive the night, much less a new morning without Faithful, Thom, and Liam.

She didn't hear Thayet walk up behind her, didn't feel her pull her into a hug.

"Go to bed, Alanna. Tomorrow will be a busy day and you are dead on your feet. You need to sleep. Eleni can mix you something so that you don't have nightmares if that is what is frightening you."

"It isn't tonight that I'm worried about," replied Alanna, barely whispering. "It's tomorrow that will kill me." She lifted her eyes to the stars, staring accusingly at the heavens, "It was supposed to be me. Not Thom. Never Thom. I was the one who wanted to be a knight, who accepted the risks. He wanted to read books and study, not die in battle! Why wasn't it me! " Her shoulders started shaking and sobs built in her chest. Still Thayet held her. "Why wasn't it me!" Sobs racked her small frame and she covered her face with her hands as the tears poured out of her eyes. With her heart breaking for her friend, all Thayet could do was rest her head on Alanna's shoulder and hold her tighter.

Coram, however, was furious. He stood, motioned Thayet to step back, and spun Alanna around by her shoulders, shaking his stunned knight mistress. "I don't want to hear those words out of yer mouth ever again! Do ye hear me! I'm thanking the Gods that ye weren't takin' from me today." He pulled her against his chest and hugged her hard. "Yer going to get through this. Even if you can't remember right now, I know how strong ye are. Don't give up on me now." He felt Alanna nod against his chest and step away. He released her, letting her rub the tears from her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Coram. I think," she sniffed, "I think I just need to get to bed. Goodnight." With that she turned and walked to her room, the eyes of her friends watching her back until she turned a corner.

Alanna woke to the sun streaming into her bedroom. A soft summer breeze was blowing her white curtains into her room. She could hear birds chirping in the distance and the shouts from the market. The world had been awake for hours. Alanna blinked a few times, her eyes were dry from falling asleep crying. She could hear soft breathing behind her and rolled on her side to see a figure sleeping in a chair next to her bed. She squeezed his hand to wake him up. He blinked blearily at her and then tightened his fingers around hers, careful to avoid the bandages.

"I didn't want you to wake up alone," George said softly, leaning forward to brush her hair from her face with his free hand.

"How long have you been there?"

"All night. I was afraid you would have nightmares."

"I saw it. Over and over again." Her eyes stared past him into her memories. "I saw them die. Faithful and Thom and Liam. I think Liam was the worst because I didn't witness it. I kept seeing different scenarios in my head and they just kept getting worse and worse. In the dream, I was there but I could never reach him in time. I couldn't save him. I couldn't save any of them." Her breathing started coming faster and George could tell she was about to break.

"Hush, lass," He ran his fingers through her hair and she squeezed her eyes shut. "You saved so many. And if you had died tryin' to save others," he had to look away and take a deep breath, getting his emotions under control. He turned back to meet her eyes, "well, it would have been unbearable."

"Is there anything in this life but grief?" She asked softly, still looking past him, her amethyst eyes dimmed by her sadness.

George continue to stroke her hair, staring deep into her eyes. After a long moment he said, "There's love. There's hope. That tomorrow will come and it will bring with it new joys and challenges. The sorrow won't last forever. Eventually, the darkness passes. You've got many more tomorrow's ahead of you, lass, and I'm not goin' to let you waste them."

Alanna allowed his words to sink in, turning her head to the window and gazing out across Corus, which was buzzing with life under a clear blue sky. She still clutched George's warm fingers, holding on to her lifeline.

Getting out of bed would be the first step. He would help her do it. She knew the pain wasn't going to go away soon but everything that she was made of forbade her from wasting time in bed when there was so much to do, though that fact had never mattered less than at this moment. But in the back of her mind, she could hear Liam scolding her for not doing her exercises. Thom would have wanted her to go on without him. That was the plan, this was why they switched places: for their dreams to come true. She knew he would be angry with her for giving up. There was no one Thom loved more than his sister. He would want her to keep on living, to take his memory along with her through all her future adventures. And Faithful, well, he would have insulted her until she moved. She couldn't ruin his reputation.

The new day beckoned and with George's fingers entwined with hers and the thought of loving friends just a few doors away helped to hold back the tide of grief that threatened to consume her. She pushed herself into a sitting position and swung her legs over the edge of the bed and hesitated.

"The day doesn't start until my feet touch the floor," she said, "I don't have to face it yet."

"True," George replied, "but then you'd miss breakfast. Come on lass. You can hold on to my hand all day if that's what you need. I'm not leavin' your side."

She looked at him, looked into his eyes for the first time all morning and saw the love shining out. She let it fill her soul, giving her the courage to let her feet hit the wood floor. She took a deep breath and for the first time since it had happened, she noticed that it didn't hurt to breathe.


	2. Chapter 2

People said the funeral was beautiful. They said it was a gorgeous day, a day usually designated for picnics by the river. Alanna thought rain would have been more appropriate. And she could not see what was so beautiful about the funeral. She had just tossed a rose down on top of her brother's casket before sprinkling it with a handful of soil. What was beautiful about that? Thayet had told Alanna that she looked very pretty in the black dress and black veil that now floated softly in front of her face with the summer breeze. Alanna could have cared less what she looked like. She thought it was more fitting to not look pretty at a funeral. After all, what was so god damn lovely about saying goodbye to her other half?

Alanna continued to stand at her brother's gravesite long after the others had left. Her hands still shook, as they had all morning. She wasn't ready. She couldn't do it. It wasn't supposed to be like this. She shouldn't have to say goodbye, to turn her back and never see his face or hear his voice again. How could she do it? How could she go on without him? No one could understand how deep of a chasm Roger had opened in her heart. And that made her realization that much more unbearable: she was alone.

Alone.

The last Trebond.

She and Thom should have had years; a lifetime. Now that was all ashes and dust; a fleeting whisper of a dream.

"Alanna," a voice called from behind her.

She spun, still on edge from the battle, hand going to a sword that was not there until she recognized Coram. "I'm fine. I'm coming in soon."

"Take yer time. I just wanted to let ye know that Sir Myles is lookin' for ye," He paused, inspecting his knight mistress. "Did ye sleep at all last night lass?"

Alanna laughed bitterly, "Did I sleep? No Coram, I didn't. Every time I close my eyes I see new nightmares. Falling asleep is the last thing I want to do," she glanced back at Thom's grave. "Besides, if I don't fall asleep, I don't need to make up a reason to get up in the morning and then feel awful when nothing comes to mind," she added softly, her voice barely a whisper.

Coram's shoulder's drooped. He could think of nothing to say to his girl. And she was his; he had raised her and now, after burying the boy who he watched grow and who always managed to make his sister's face light with joy, he could do nothing, say nothing to take the pain away. He turned and walked back into the palace.

Alanna stayed, staring at her brother's final resting place, wishing for something, anything. She didn't know if she wanted time to speed up so that the pain would be less or for it to slow down so that she could put off the goodbye she knew she needed to say. As the sun set, she remained in a state of indecision, hoping beyond hope that the darkness would engulf her and let her escape, if only for a little while.

______________________________________________________________________________Thayet found her there an hour later. In fact, she nearly stumbled over the sitting knight. There was no moon to light the sky tonight. After a day of sunshine, Alanna thought it was appropriate. The darkest part of her life should have the darkest night.

"Come home, Alanna," her friend said. "Myles is worried sick."

Alanna allowed herself to be helped to her feet. She found comfort in her friend as Thayet wrapped an arm around her waist, half supporting her as they began their journey back to the house. Alanna was grateful to Thayet for allowing her to remain silent on the walk. She wasn't in the mood to talk.

Thankfully, when they reached the house, the others realized this as well and let Alanna retire to her rooms. Once there, Alanna threw off her dress, pulling on a large bed shirt and snuggled deep under the covers, taking comfort in the softness of her bed and the deep, inviting pillows. She felt drained, physically and emotionally. All she wanted to do was sleep dreamlessly but every time she closed her eyes she saw one of them: Liam, Faithful, Thom.

The worst was seeing Roger. She imagined what it would be like if he had won. She could see his smiling face, watching her chained and broken. "You see, Lioness," he would say, "I have taken everything from you. I told you I would." She would open her eyes and try to reassure herself that it wasn't true. He was dead. Gone. She hadn't lost everything; it only seemed that way. She still had Myles, Coram, Thayet, and Buri. Jon was fine; Tortall would not be torn apart by civil war. And George made it through the battle, although not completely unscathed. They would heal and move on with their lives, Alanna with them. It would just take time.

Although her mind told her all of this, Alanna still felt uneasy. By now, the rest of the house had gone to bed and it was too quiet for her taste. She threw off the covers and got out of bed, silently opening the door and tip toeing down the hall. She stopped in front of a door, thinking about the person inside and began to worry again. Which dream was right? Was this it? Was he gone as well? She turned the handle, praying she really was awake for the first time since she buried Thom.


	3. Chapter 3

The room was very dark. She stood there for a few minutes, allowing her eyes to adjust. As she did, she could hear his deep breathing coming from across the room. She sighed in relief: he was wonderfully alive.

She crept to the right edge of the bed since she knew he slept on the left, feeling her way in the dark. Suddenly, she felt cold steel pressed against her neck.

"George, it's me," she whispered hurriedly.

"Are you tryin' to give me heart attack, lass?" He asked as he lowered his knife.

"I'm sorry. I couldn't sleep and then I had to make sure you were alright."

"I'm fine. Why so concerned with my safety?" He pulled her down so that she was sitting on the bed.

"Just nightmares," suddenly she was nervous. "Would you mind," she took a breath and looked down at her hands, which were clenched in her lap, "would you mind if I stayed here tonight? When you were there the other night, even though I didn't know it, I was able to sleep. I think I just need to hear your heart beating and hear you breathing, otherwise I make myself believe that I lost you too and I can't bear it."

She felt his fingers under her chin as he turned her face up to his, studying her eyes. He nodded, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear and pulling the covers down so she could slide in next to him. She waited until he was settled before resting her head on his bare chest as he wrapped his arms around her. She felt warm to her very core and his heart beat pounding strongly in her ear calmed her down and assuaged all her fears. She sighed contentedly as he stroked her hair and softly kissed her head. After a little while, the exhaustion hit her and she sunk into a deep, dreamless sleep, with the sound of George's heartbeat echoing in her head throughout the night.

She awoke the next morning to find George staring down at her, his head propped up by his arm. He smiled at her as her eyes fluttered open and squinted against the glare of the early morning sunshine.

"How long have you been up?" she asked groggily, rubbing her eyes and yawning.

"Long enough"

"Long enough for what exactly?" she asked suspiciously.

"To realize how much I missed wakin' up next to you," he replied, the smile spreading on his face. She could see the love in his eyes along with their usually wicked twinkle.

She looked into their hazel depths, unsure of what to say. She had missed him as well and she needed him desperately, but love? She was barely managing her emotions as it was. She did not think she could handle contemplating love at the moment. She decided to simply say what was in her heart.

"Thank you," she said, raising her right hand to his face and running the back of her finger down his jaw line.

He seized her hand and held it there, twining his fingers through hers. "I didn't want you to be afraid. You can stay as long as you need to. Every night. I'm not goin' anywhere. Well, at least not until Jon and I figure out what is goin' to happen with the Swoop. I have a strong feelin' he isn't bein' completely honest about the condition of the castle and I may need to set one of the pickpockets on him next time he goes into the city to remind him who he is tryin' to fool."

And then something happened that neither of them expected. Something they thought would not see for weeks. Something they did not think was possible: Alanna's eyes lit up with their old spark and she laughed.


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Forgive me if I take some poetic license with George and Alanna. Not much…you'll see what I mean. Read and Review!!!

The morning had been pleasant enough. She had managed to keep the worst of the grief at bay. It was a challenge every day and she often lost, succumbing to the painful waves that forced her back into her bed to curl up and cry. Sometimes Thayet would sit with her and rub her back, knowing that there wasn't anything she could say to take away some of her friend's pain. After all, she had been in Alanna's place. She had felt this grief after the loss of her mother and Buri's family. Thayet knew that sometimes the only thing to do was cry.

When Alanna calmed herself enough, they stayed up late into the night, Thayet listening to Alanna talk about growing up with Thom and all of the things they had planned for their lives. She would laugh and smile, the happiness of distant memories resurging and giving her strength. Other times though, Alanna's voice took on a forlorn quality, knowing that so many of their childhood plans could never come to pass. Thayet understood this as well. Losing her mother had changed the course of her life. For a while, she didn't know which way to turn. A whole future had been lost to her. How do you begin again after a blow like that? Where do you start? Thayet knew Alanna was struggling to come to terms with these questions. It would take a long time.

_Time, _Thayet scoffed, _they say time heals all wounds._ Looking at her friend, whose face seemed to always be wet with tears, _Some wounds run too deep. Some wounds will carve out a piece of your heart and you'll never get it back, never heal it. All you can do is live with it. There is no healing. _

And so the days went by. Things moved on. The Privy Council kept Alanna busy, keeping her mind focused on work. They had much to do. Jon's use of the Dominion Jewel had severe repercussions. Already, reports came flooding in about failing crops and the possibility of a crippling famine weighed heavily on the new King. He quickly began to negotiate with his neighbors, sending letters asking monarchs for aid.

Alanna was proud of Jon. He had turned out to be king she had always seen in him. He was honest, determined, humble, conscientious, courageous and strong. He had moved far from the restless youth she fought with in the desert just a few years ago. In some way, it helped her to accept the deaths of her friends and brother. Jon turned out to be worthy of the sacrifice. Normally, Alanna would not have even needed to acknowledge this since it was her duty to protect her king above all others and even without this duty she would gladly give her life to save her best friend. But that didn't happen. She hadn't given her life. Her Thom had. So had Faithful and Liam. It was Alanna's duty to die for the king, not theirs. And so, in some way, Jon had needed to prove to her that he was worthy. In her heart, Alanna knew all along that she could have never lived with herself if something had happened to him but the grief led her to question everything and everyone. Sometimes she would catch herself watching some nobleman or lady walking down the halls of the palace and think, _Were you worth it? Were you worth the Shang Dragon? A Master of the Mithran Order?_ When she did, she felt ashamed. Roger was the one to blame. He was the one who had caused all of this misery, not these people who probably had also fought and lost loved ones.

Alanna knew she needed to get away from court. She needed to get away from the constant reminders before she turned into someone she didn't like. After the major decisions had been made in council, Alanna found that Jon's new problems did not require the input of his Champion. One day, after another long meeting, Alanna found herself staring at Lightning in the catacombs. Jon had followed her there, graciously allowing her time to visit the Bloody Hawk, knowing his friend needed a clear head and some peace.

The others understood as well. Thayet gave her a hug, telling Alanna that she need only write and Thayet would come and visit. Buri, ever vigilant, promised to do whatever she could to protect their friends and Alanna smiled, clapping her on the back. They were so alike. Coram gave her a tight hug, threatening to hunt her down if she didn't write often. Alanna was simply thankful that he didn't insist on coming with her. Perhaps he understood that she truly needed to be on her own for a little while. With the Bloody Hawk, she could find things to divert her that didn't always remind her of those she had lost. At the moment, their ghosts still haunted the palace. In the desert, Alanna hoped there would be enough land for her to ride hard and fast away from them. She didn't see this as running away, just learning to leave them in the past and to start chasing her future.

Everything was packed into Moonlight's saddle bags when she heard the stall door squeak as it swung open. She spun, stepping back into a fighting stance. He attacker simply smiled at her, raising an eyebrow.

"After Jon told us about how you beat Alex like a Shang warrior, I'm not plannin' on challengin' you anytime soon," George said amicably, leaning against the side of the stall and stuffing his hands into his breeches' pockets, "Though knives would be a different matter."

Alanna sighed, relaxing her muscles. "I was wondering when you would be by. I wasn't going to leave until I saw you."

"I wanted to say goodbye to you when we didn't have an audience. There are things you won't admit in front of them," George stared into her eyes until Alanna looked away. "You still aren't sleepin', I hear you scream from down the hall. Why didn't you come back to me?"

"I need to deal with this on my own, George. And I can't do that to you, lead you on like that. I'm messed up right now. It'll be easier if I'm alone. I don't want any collateral damage. I don't want to end up doing something stupid and push you away."

"You're pushin' right now, Lass," he pointed out shrewdly.

"No, I'm not!" she fired back, "Can't you see that? I'm giving us a chance! I'm going away so that I can find a way to be whole again! You deserve more than shards of my heart and right now that is all I can offer." Her voice softened, "Just….just give me some time. You've waited for me since I was 15. Can't you wait a little longer?" Pleading filled her violet eyes.

George's eyes softened, "I've already told you I'd wait forever. Just don't take me up on it."

Alanna, wishing to fill the distance between them, crossed the expanse of the stall and wrapped her arms around George, resting her head against his chest. She felt his arms tighten around her and his head drop to rest on top of hers. They stood like that for long moments, Alanna trying to implant the smell of him and the feel of his arms wrapped around her into her memory. Finally, she released him, stepping back.

"I'd better go if I want to make the inn by dark." She turned to finish trying the saddlebags.

"You didn't give me an answer," he said.

"I can't, George," she raised miserable eyes to her friend, "I don't know what will happen, what I'll decide. I don't know what I'll be ready for. For now at least, we'll always be friends. Maybe later things will be different. But do me a favor?"

"Name it." The pain was evident in his voice, though he tried to conceal it.

Alanna inhaled sharply. She was about to hurt him more. But she had to. "Don't hope. If I've learned anything, it's that where weapons don't work, hope can kill. Slowly and painfully. Don't hope."

With that, she mounted Moonlight and urged her past George, not daring to look into his face. As soon as she was free of the stables, she kicked Moonlight into a gallop, now trying to outrun more than ghosts.


	5. Chapter 5

Thayet watched her friend gallop through the gates, flaming hair blowing behind her. She saw George walk out of the stables, looking dejected. She knew the reason for this because she had talked things over with Alanna a few hours before.

"How are you going to tell George that you're leaving?" Thayet had asked, pulling some breeches out of Alanna's bureau.

Alanna sighed, folding a shirt and placing it into a saddle bag, "I don't know. I think I might have made a mistake, going to him that night like I did. I know he understands why I did it but I'm still afraid I gave him too much hope. I can't hurt him again, Thayet. I won't."

"Again?" her friend asked curiously, handing Alanna the breeches.

"Well he never said anything to make me believe that he was upset about Liam but he stayed away, even at Beltane. I'm afraid I hurt him and he was wondering whether I was going to choose Jon or Liam over him. He hides it well, but Eleni mentioned that he once said he couldn't see how he could beat the Shang Dragon and the king of Tortall," Alanna shook her head, a small smiling spreading on her face, "Which is just silly since he always was the one who said that if I loved, birth and fame wouldn't matter to me. He was right. Those things never mattered with Jon and Liam."

"Are you ready to tell all of this to him though? To tell him that you would choose him?" her friend asked. Thayet anxiously waited for the answer since she herself still believed that Alanna could choose Jon, despite the knight's apparent protests. They were just so _close._ How could Thayet not worry? She didn't want to lose Jon, not when she'd just found him.

"No. Definitely not." Thayet's heart sank a little.

"Why not?" she asked.

"Because I'm not ready. I'm not ready to open up my heart to someone just yet. It wouldn't be fair to them and it certainly wouldn't be fair to me. I need time to heal, to move on, to forget."

"You'll never forget," Thayet reminded her, "You'll never get over it. But you'll learn to live with it. Besides," she continued, "you don't want to forget. You never want to forget who they were and the sacrifices they made." She paused, contemplating whether or not she should share something with Alanna. Deciding, she said softly, "I know this will sound horrible but sometimes I can't remember my mother's face. I close my eyes and I can see her in my mind but her face is a blur. But I remember what she looked like before she died. I remember the determination and sorrow in her face the last time I saw her alive. I find that if I remember that, it is easier to remember what she looked like smiling. Hold on to Thom's final goodbye, and you'll hold on to your memories. He won't ever fade for you. Neither will the others."

Alanna simply gazed at her friend, awestruck. Even after everything she had learned about the princess, she was still stunned by her strength. Letting the words sink in and answer the question she had held in her heart since the burials, she whispered, "Do you promise I won't forget? I've been terrified I would. Sometimes I feel like I won't be able to recall Thom's voice or the exact color of Liam's eyes when he was happy."

Thayet walked over to her friend, taking both of Alanna's hands and squeezing. "I will help you to remember. I promise. I promise I will never let you forget. Between the two of us, the memory of the three of them will last our entire lives."

Alanna smiled, "Thank you. Thank you so much." Thayet nodded and tried to return to their packing but Alanna held onto her hands. "Can you do me another favor?" At Thayet's nod she took a breath and continued, "Will you look after George for me? Write me to tell me how he is doing until I can do it myself? "

Although Thayet was surprised at this request and the intensity in her friend's voice and eyes, "Of course. Good luck in the desert, Alanna. Don't worry about anything. Buri and I will keep them all in line," she said, smiling.

"Well then," Alanna stepped back, and picked up a shirt, tossing it into Thayet's face with a wicked grin, "Let's finish packing!"


	6. Chapter 6

AN: This is going to overlap a lot with the final pages of Lioness Rampant so some of it is the same as that in the books. And I'm thinking one more chapter after this. Just so you all know. Feel free to protest. And thanks for the reviews!

Halef Seif was not surprised when she appeared one morning in July. Of course, Alanna wasn't expecting him to be. After all, as Coram had once pointed out, it is useful when the King is also the Voice of the Tribes. Halef said nothing, but his eyes told her that he was worried about her; the shadow of grief had yet to leave her eyes and she was much thinner than he remembered. Alanna, however, felt rejuvenated. She was thrilled to see her friends, to see the progress Kourrem and Kara had made. The tribe was buzzing with new energy and filled with the promise of the future, of Jon's rule.

Life moved on, as Alanna always knew it would. As Thayet had promised, Alanna received numerous letters, updating her on the goings on at home. She was happy to find out that Thayet had been able to reassure George and help him to see Alanna's point of view. It had helped that Thayet could draw on her own experiences to make him see clearer. Now he was doing well, they all were. Thayet kept many of the major occurrences out of her letters since she didn't want to trouble her friend, instead amusing Alanna with court gossip or some story she heard from Myles. Alanna was particularly tickled when she wrote that Raoul had jokingly picked Buri up and dropped her over the side a bridge into a lake because she was teasing him. That letter now had tear marks on it since Alanna had been laughing so hard, picturing the feisty little K'mir picking through reeds at the lake's edge, soaking wet. She wondered what Buri must have said to warrant such treatment. It was nice to know that her friends had not grown up too much and that their scars from the coronation did not run as deep as Alanna's.

Jon's coronation had been on the day of the July full moon. Alanna left for the Bloody Hawk a week after the burials. It wasn't until the end of July that she discovered that the hollow feeling in her chest came not from grief but from missing George. It was the same sullen ache that had plagued her when she left his house on Dog Lane after Midwinter. Thayet's stories were not enough. She needed to hear from George himself, to be able to hear his voice in her head as she read his words. And so, without having to battle the cowardice she had been anticipating, she began her first letter to him.

_Dear George,_

_I'm sorry about how I left things at home. I hope you can understand that I wanted to come back to you during all those long nights. Everything is always easier with you around. But I didn't want to complicate things, not when I knew I wasn't ready to be anything more than friends. I hope you'll forgive me for any pain I caused you. I certainly have felt my share this past month. Everything still hurts. I wish you were here._

_Thayet tells me that things are really starting to get complicated back home and so Jon has put you to work finding the last of the coronation rebels. I'm not surprised. It is very quiet here. Tell Myles I have enough sleep at last. I miss you. Every day. I can't bring myself to come home just yet but I promise I won't stay away too long. Things are getting better. Slowly._

_Give my love to everyone and please don't worry about me,_

_Alanna_

The months passed and Alanna was content. She hunted with the men, practiced her weaving, learned from the mages at the university, and spent long hours speaking with her friends. People travelled from all over to come meet the Woman Who Rides Like a Man and then to travel north, many seeking positions in the King's Own or seeking their own knighthood. Many in the tribe, especially the young children, begged her to tell her story of the Dominion Jewel over and over. Alanna didn't notice at first but every time she told it, it became easier to talk about Liam and Faithful. Even her grief for Thom seemed to become more manageable. At last, in September, she no longer woke up in the middle of the night to her own screams, covered in sweat from her nightmares. Instead of needing to curl up and cry, she often only needed to take a deep breath to control her grief. Alanna could feel herself healing and she began to enjoy life again.

In October, Buri and Thayet came to visit, staying for a few weeks. Buri tested herself against Bazhir youths as Thayet spent days working up the courage to ask Alanna about Jon. Alanna was more than happy to assuage all of her friend's fears about Alanna's continued relationship with Jon. After all, Alanna had hoped all along that Thayet and Jon would find happiness with each other. Finally, it seemed, something had gone right.

During their visit, Alanna had also met the Shang Wildcat, Liam's former teacher, who had presented Alanna with Liam's goodbye. She could hear his voice in her mind, ordering her to continue to practice and rub the balm he had given her into her hands. She could also picture his eyes and that blue green shade they reserved for her as she read how he wanted her to forgive herself and look to the future. Alanna had often thought that the fact that they were so alike had been to blame for much of the problems in their relationship but now, reading his letter, she realized that it also allowed him to know what was in her heart. He knew about guilt, grief, shame and doubt just as he had known about things like betrayel, and being afraid, and the looks on people's faces when they know you did something they thought was impossible. If anyone else had told her not to blame herself for his death, she would have ignored it. But he knew her heart because it was like his own and coming from him, the words carried so much more weight. She was grateful to him for leaving her this last goodbye, though he never said the word. It helped her to heal, to let him go. She kept the note, vowing to carry it with her always so that she never forgot his voice or his eyes and so that she could remind herself that none of it was her fault.

Thayet and Buri left a few days later and Alanna soon decided to start her own journey north, before the winter rains and snows made the roads difficult to travel. She decided to finish the blanket she was making for George's Midwinter present before setting off and it was during this act that the thief himself entered her tent. Alanna felt her heart swell. She felt complete again, just being with him.

Alanna put down her shuttle. She could feel her heart drumming. It took an effort to say lightly, "I was sort of hoping you'd come before this."

He sat beside her, eyes examining the cloth on the loom. "I'd hoped to come before this, too," he admitted. "Truth to tell, givin' up the Rogue and turnin' respectable—it takes gettin' used to. Some days I get out of bed not knowin' who I am. Jonathan kept me busy, like I wrote you. Too, the castle down at old Pirate's Swoop had to be fixed up proper before I brought—" He stopped.

_You! He was going to say you! _She thought to herself, heart pounding in her chest. _He wants me to go with him. I want to go. I want to be with him. I want to have his arms wrapped around me and be surrounded by the smell of him for the rest of my life. _

"Jon's announced he's to marry Thayet," he said abruptly. "The Bazhir would have told you."

"It's one of the advantages of having a King who's also the Voice." His face would be easier to read if his back wasn't to the light!

"Thayet says you gave your blessin',"

"I did." She curled her hands around her elbows to hide their trembling.

"You're not sorry for it? Had you wanted , you'd be Queen."

"I didn't want it."

He reached out to toy with the emberstone. "What _do _you want, Alanna?"

She caught his hand and met his eyes, smiling. "I want to be yours. If you're still interested." _Please, _she begged, _please be interested. You are all I want. Deep down, you are all I've ever wanted though I never knew it. Please want me too._

His fingers tightened around hers. "Why?"

Alanna looked down, "I love you." Those words left the sweetest taste in her mouth.

He made her look at him. "Enough to wed with me? Enough to give up roamin' and settle down and be the lady of Pirate's Swoop?" She looked at him quizzically, and he blushed. "Well, to roam with me along." Alanna nodded. George took a breath. "Enough to bear my--our -- little ones?"

She was hearing all of her dreams come true. Except that she had never known them to be her dreams. In fact, coming from anyone else, these words would have meant a waking nightmare. But with George she could have everything: knighthood and a family. She could be a woman and a warrior, just as Liam had said. And she had found the one person who she could raise lions and lionesses with. Someone who loved all of her, even her Gift, and her independence, and her stubbornness. _You were right, Liam, _She thought_. _Thom had told her that she should marry George. He gave her his blessing. Faithful wanted her to choose someone who wasn't as noble-minded as she was, someone who could cheer her up when she couldn't solve all of the world's ills. _If ever there was a person who could cheer me up and make me laugh, it is George, _She thought. _He could always make me laugh, even when my heart was filled with nothing but sorrow._

And then she was betrothed. A new future stretched in front of her feet, with new challenges and dreams. She had lost much but George managed to heal her. Her heart felt whole again and she couldn't stop smiling. It felt wonderful to smile, to laugh. The tribe celebrated their union, making George a member of the tribe. By winning the heart of their Woman Who Rides Like a Man he had won himself a place in their hearts forever. They rejoiced at seeing their grieving friend glow with happiness. A week later, the couple said their goodbyes and turned their horses north, to home, family and their future.


	7. Chapter 7

AN: My age guesses come from Trickter's Choice where Alanna turns 43 during the book while Thom is 18 meaning that she must have had Thom 5 years after she became engaged to George since she turns 20 while searching for the Dominion Jewel in May. Thom is about 1 ½ in this chapter.

6 Years Later

Alanna lay on the floor holding her baby boy above her as he giggled. Staring up into his bright green- hazel eyes, so like his father's, she couldn't help but laugh, giving him a jiggle. He laughed harder, eyes lighting up and little pudgy arms reaching out to her. She brought him down to her chest, closing her eyes and smelling his bright red hair, even redder than her own. She found herself thinking back to the day he was born…

_"Push Alanna!" Eleni had ordered her. "I can see the head. One more push."_

_Alanna gathered the rest of her strength and gritted her teeth together, pushing hard, the pain drawing a scream from her lips. Thayet supported her back, giving her encouragement. "Good girl, good girl, almost there!" she cried. At last, the baby came out of her, a red and screaming miracle. Alanna fell back onto the bed and Thayet brushed sopping hair out of her eyes._

_"Congratulations, Lady Knight. You have a son!" she whispered, wiping her friends brow with a wet cloth._

_Eleni placed the now-clean babe in her arms ….and Alanna fell in love. Plain and simple. The little boy, her little boy, opened his eyes slightly, looking up at her with eyes greener than his father's. She stared back into his eyes, holding him tight, and couldn't help herself from smiling, tears of joy streaming from her eyes._

_"Hi baby boy," she said softly. "Thanks for finally coming out." Thayet and Eleni chuckled and then went out to inform a very nervous George, who had been pacing the corridors outside his wife's room for hours, that he could see them._

_He entered the room, half anxious, half elated. Alanna didn't hear his soft footsteps at first, captivated by her little son. Then she looked up at George, smiling and exhausted. George kissed her gently and Alanna transferred the boy to his arms so that he could kiss his son. _

_"Well done, lass. A little boy. He's beautiful." He was smiling like a lad himself, consumed by happiness._

_"He's perfect," she replied, reaching to stroke the blankets holding their child._

_"What should his name be?" He asked, sitting on the side of his wife's bed and returning the babe to her. _

_She stared into her son's face for a long moment and then nervously looked up at her husband. "I'd like to call him Thom. He looks like a Thom, don't you think?" The baby cooed softly and Alanna's smiled widened._

_"Indeed he does," George replied softly, running a finger along the baby's arm, "Thom it is then."_

_"Hello Thom," She said to her son. "Welcome to the world. I'm your Mama and I've been waiting for you for so long. So long."_

Soft footsteps on the rug woke her from her reverie. She turned her head to see George leaning against the door to their bedroom in the Swoop.

"Now what would Tortall's criminals say if they saw the King's Champion acting like this?" He asked jokingly, hazel eyes bright as he watched the two people he loved most in all the world. Alanna sat up, bringing the baby with her and he reached his little arms out to his father, who laughed and came over to claim him. Alanna rose to her feet, smiling. It was one of the effects Thom had on her: she couldn't help but smile. George threw the boy into the air, making him giggle with glee. Alanna watched, also laughing until a wave of nausea hit her and she had to sit on the bed. George walked over to her, worry in his eyes.

"I'm fine," she assured him, hand going to her stomach. "It hasn't been so bad this week." George put his hand over hers, feeling the slight bump that had started to grow. She was four months pregnant and the morning sickness that had plagued her for the last few months had finally started to disappear. She placed a hand over his, smiling up at him and the boy he held.

"Do you want a boy or a girl?" She asked.

"I want whatever you have in there, lass. I just want it to be healthy. And I want you to be safe."

Although he never brought it up, Alanna could tell George worried that he would lose her the same way her father had lost her mother.

"I'll be fine. I'm a full-blooded knight after all."

"Who fainted when she got her ears pierced," He replied wickedly.

Alanna gasped. "Who told you that? I'll kill them! They promised they wouldn't tell a soul!"

Her husband just laughed and offered his free hand to her. "Come on, lass. Let's go to the beach and let the lad get his feet wet."


	8. Chapter 8

AN: Last chapter! Thanks for all the reviews! I'm glad you enjoyed it! Oh, and I'm dropping George's accent in this chapter (actually I think I did that in the last one too) since he is shown to speak correctly in Trickster's Choice and I'm guessing he adopted the noble class' speech to better go about his work.

It was the July new moon and the country was celebrating. Jon had been on the throne for 6 years. The country had finally recovered from the crippling famines and they were also celebrating the birth of Prince Liam.

Alanna, however, was not in a celebratory mood. Usually anniversaries caused her joy, like her wedding anniversary, or made her look back and analyze the things she had accomplished, like the anniversary of her becoming a knight. But the anniversary of the coronation battle simply opened up old wounds. For this one day, Alanna allowed herself to wonder what life would have been liked if she had saved them. Would Thom be spoiling his little nephew? Would Liam have come back to Tortall to visit? Shangs spend their lives wondering aimlessly. Would he have wanted to see her often? Would Faithful be pleased with her life? Did she live up to his hopes for her?

Alanna leaned against the wall of the balcony in her rooms at the palace, looking out across the Royal Forest that seemed to stretch on forever. She could hear the din of servants, frantically running around finishing last minute tasks before the coronation ball tonight. Alanna sighed, closing her eyes and breathing in the warm July air. She laid her hands across her swelling belly, feeling the baby kick within. Who knew life would take her here?

Later that afternoon, Alanna found herself standing in front of Thom's grave. She visited every year at this time, sitting for hours in front of his headstone and weeping. This time though, she felt more than just the overwhelming sense of loss. This time she was angry.

"I'm having another baby, Thom. You should be here. You were supposed to be here," she said hotly. "Why did you need to be the best? Why did you need to prove it to everyone? Why couldn't you see that I loved every bit of you the way you were….and the rest of them would have too, if you gave them the chance. Your stupid ego! And now you'll never hold my baby boy." She looked down sadly at her clenched hands. "He reminds me of you," she continued softly, the anger gone from her voice. "He has the Gift. He is very strong already. I have to watch him all the time. He doesn't have much control yet," she smiled, thinking back to the previous day when he had gotten annoyed with Roald and Kally for leaving him out of their game so he scattered their toy soldiers with a ball of magic. The royal children allowed him to play with the soldier's horses after that incident. Kally especially enjoyed playing with her young friend. She was such a gracious child and Roald was much the same, though more shy than Kally. Alanna loved them dearly.

"I wish you were here to teach him and to tell him stories. He would have loved you. I love you," she bit her lip, fighting the urge to cry. "I miss you, Thom," her voice broke on the words. "Every day." With that she turned and began the long walk back to the palace, wiping tears from her eyes. She thought about visiting Liam's grave but could not bring herself to do it now. Right now she needed her baby and her husband. She needed to see their smiles and hear their laughs and remember that life was wonderful.

She found her family enjoying the beautiful summer day in one of the inner courtyards along with Thom's grandparents and the royal family. They watched the children chase butterflies through the gardens and Alanna held Prince Liam as Thayet joined the little ones in their adventures. George sat quietly beside her, rubbing Alanna's back and kissing her hair every so often. Jon stretched out on the grass beside her and she jokingly ripped up grass and threw it at him, making sure to hold tight to Liam. Jon raised a hand to block the sun, glaring at her.

"That's very mature, Lady Knight," he reprimanded, but then lost the battle with himself and started laughing. The joy of the day was contagious. Her family was well and content. Jon's rule was strong and Tortall prospered. It was a good thing too, since Alanna was not in her best fighting condition at the moment with a belly that looked like it was about to pop. There was only one more month to go until she got to meet her new baby. She could hardly contain her glee.

They sat on the grass until the sun began to set, taking turns holding baby Liam and playing with the other children or telling them stories. Myles, in particular, enjoyed telling them about Alanna's deeds: her fight with Ralon, her days as shaman to the Bloody Hawk and the school she had helped create there, and, of course, her quest for the Dominion Jewel. He was very proud of his daughter. Alanna herself worried that the stories might be a little mature for the youngsters but Myles always stressed the lessons and not the deeds. He taught them about standing up to bullies, believing in themselves, and pursuing their dreams. The children's eyes grew large with wonder at his tales and they always begged for more. Finally, the parents called an end to the day since the ball would start soon and the children needed to go to bed while the adults needed to get ready.

The children were put to bed in the Royal Nursery and Alanna waved tiredly to Jon and Thayet as she and George headed to their rooms. This pregnancy had been a hard one and she was dead on her feet. Graciously, Jon had told her that she only need make an appearance and then she could retire for the night.

After an hour at the ball, George and Alanna found themselves preparing for bed. Alanna buried herself deep under the covers, gazing up at the ceiling. George, recognizing her mood, slid in beside her and propped his head on his arm, looking down at her face. She turned her head slightly to smile sadly at him.

"I can't believe it's been six years," she said softly. "I didn't think I'd last six days without them, never mind six years." She paused, reaching up to stroke the side of his face. "I love you," she whispered suddenly.

He smiled at her, "I love you too, lass. But if you don't mind me asking, what brought on that sudden declaration?"

"I was just thinking about everything you did for me back then. I wouldn't have made it without you. And now you've given me another Thom to love and soon someone else, too," she said, laying a hand across her belly. The baby gave a strong kick and she gasped, grabbing George's hand and laying it on her stomach. She could tell when he felt it since a huge smile spread across his face and he looked back at her, eyes dancing with wonder. He leaned down to kiss her and then rested his head on his pillow, pulling her tight against him.

"What a strong little tyke," he whispered in her ear, sending shivers down her spine. After six years of marriage, his most mundane thought whispered in her ear could still make her shiver. Softly, he added, "I couldn't bear to see you in all that pain. I wanted to hold onto you and never let go. And I certainly never want to see you like that again. You scared me some days. I was afraid I was going to lose you too."

Alanna turned her head to look into his eyes. "I'm sorry I worried you," she lifted a hand to his face, running her fingers down his jaw line. He caught it and kissed her palm.

"You just concentrate on fighting when it's time for the little one to come out. I'm not going to lose you," he stated firmly.

"Don't worry. We have the best healers in Corus around us and thousands of women give birth everyday in Tortall without incident. I'll be fine. So will the little one. Speaking of which, what are we going to name him or her?" she asked lightly, trying to dissipate his worry.

It worked. The anxiety left his eyes. "How about Alan if it is a boy?" He suggested mischievously.

Alanna laughed. "Goddess, Gary would love that!" she exclaimed, thinking about her big, jovial friend. "And for a girl?"

"What do you think?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe something to honor Queen Lianne. Though Jon and Thayet said they would name their next daughter after her so we can't use it exactly."

"Well, keeping with A's, how about Alianne?"

"We could call her Aly," mused Alanna. "Little baby Aly. I love it."

"Me too. Now go to sleep, my Lioness," he said, kissing her forehead. "You need your rest."

She woke in the middle of the night to the feeling of wet sheets. She lifted up the covers to look and then frantically shook George's shoulder. "George, I think my water broke!"

"But it's only been eight months!" he said, rolling out of bed and pulling on his breeches. Once he was dressed, he helped her to get out of bed and put a robe around her shoulders.

"Can you make it to the healer's wing?" He asked, concerned.

"I think so." He took her hand and the pair walked through the silent corridors of the palace. Luckily, Alanna had insisted they receive rooms near the healers in case something like this happened. They made it there in very little time and were quickly escorted into one of the birthing rooms. George sat by her side, holding her hand through hours of labor. At dawn, Thayet came to sit with her as well. Word had spread quickly throughout the palace and other well wishers sent missives of encouragement and congratulations. Eleni came to the room to assist in the birthing and promptly pushed a very worried and tired George out of the room when it looked like the baby was about ready to come out. An hour later, Alanna could finally start to push. And push she did, with teeth-baring efforts, Thayet and Eleni shouting encouragements at her throughout the ordeal. Unfortunately, the baby was breech and the birth was considerably more difficult than Thom's had been.

Finally, she delivered a healthy, squirming little boy and sighed happily. She watched as Eleni cleaned Alan and was reaching out to hold him when pain in her abdomen made her gasp. Eleni quickly handed the baby over to Thayet.

"I don't remember that happening last time," she tried to say with a smile.

Eleni examined her and looked up with surprise and delight. "Last time you didn't have twins, lass."

"Twins?" Alanna asked with wonder. Before she could get an answer, she had to start pushing. This time it was harder. The first baby had weakened her and, although this one was in the correct position, it still exhausted her. After a few long minutes of effort, Alanna delivered a tiny baby girl. Aly. But as Eleni turned away to clean off the babe, Alanna felt herself falling into darkness.

Outside, George heard Thayet yell Alanna's name. He rushed into the room, going straight to his wife's side where a frantic Thayet was trying to awaken the knight. He didn't even see the baby in her arms, just his sweat-covered, unconscious wife. He thought his heart had stopped.

"Alanna!" he shouted frantically. Behind him, Duke Baird rushed in, assessing the situation and then taking one of Alanna's hands and forcing some of his strength into her. After the longest three seconds George could remember, her eyes fluttered open. George let out a deep sigh of relief, pressing his forehead against his wife's and closing his eyes. After a few minutes, he looked up to see the room had been cleared; only two basinets remained next to him.

"Two?" He asked his tired wife who merely smiled and nodded. George got up, still holding on to Alanna's hand, and looked at his children. He had been worried that they would be too small, coming early like they did, but they looked strong and healthy, gurgling in their blankets.

"Alan and Aly," he heard Alanna whisper behind him. "One of each," she tightened her fingers around his. "I'd forgotten that you are more likely to have twins if you are one yourself. Aly surprised me," she said smiling.

George turned back to face her. "You gave us, me, quite the scare, lass," he said, stroking her face. "Are you alright?"

She smiled at him, eyes filled with love, "I'm fine, just tired. I'm sorry I scared you. I scared myself a little too. I was looking at Aly one minute and the next I saw your face and you looked terrified. I thought something had happened to her for a second. But we are both fine. In fact, I'm elated. We have twins!" she reminded him.

He chuckled, smoothing the hair off her forehead, "I'm going to ask Mother to get Thom so he can meet his new siblings." He got off the bed and went outside for a few minutes, leaving Alanna alone with her new babies. Her heart was filled with joy, completely overshadowing the grief she usually felt at this time of year. Maybe Thom, Liam, and Faithful were watching over her and this was their way of making her happy. After all, the baby—or babies as Alanna now knew—were not supposed to arrive for another month. Because of their early delivery, from now on the anniversary of the coronation would be around her children's birthday. How could she grieve when she had these lives to celebrate? That's what they had wanted her to do: celebrate life. She sent up a silent thank you to them, gazing lovingly at her children and sighing happily. Finally, she let them go.


End file.
